Perhaps you’re looking for a gin one night. You’ve only seen the small hipster poster ads for Hendrick’s covered in cucumber cut-outs and you know that Beefeater is what your parents and grandparents drink. Tanqueray advertisements are all over the city. The bottle is a cool shape and the glass is green–a rarity for non whiskey drinks. It looks like a fun time, so why not. Let’s Tanqueray, you think to yourself, or even jokingly mumble to your friends.
What you do not know is that a Tanqueray night is a mediocre night. Walking into a party with a bottle of Tanqueray looks nothing short of lame, and like you raided a stock-broker’s office cabinet during an internship interview. The gin has too much lemon peel, and too little flavor, leaving it a bland, sharp, citrusy substance. It’s more like vodka with a hint of gin than actual gin. It blends poorly with dry white vermouth, and simply flows or runs off the top of it, which more or less defeats the purpose of gin altogether. It’s kind of like having a dog that will drop one in your living room but won’t lick its own ass. Tanqueray tastes so little like juniper that it tastes almost synthetic, and as though actual berries were not used to make it. It’s nearly bitter, and masks the taste of gin that all gin-heads love so much.
Tanqueray, in short, is a gin for those who do not like gin, or a starter gin for those not yet ready to handle a true London Dry. It’s half a gin, and can’t hold its own in a martini, or chilled over ice. It’s an impotent gin. So remember, while Hendricks might be too hip, albeit a fantastic tasting drink, and Beefeater might be just too reminiscent of pre-christmas dinners with your family, there are three key things to remember when trying to avoid a Tanqueray incident :
- Hendrick’s doesn’t need a line like “Let’s do the Hendricks,” or “Ain’t no party like a Hendricks party, ’cause a Hendricks party don’t stop,” because it stands on its own.
- Your parents have been drinking far longer than you have, and there is a reason why they choose Beefeater.
- James Bond drinks Gordon’s, and at 10 dollars a fifth, you can’t really go wrong–Pussy Galore and Ms. Moneypenney think so too.
So go ahead, 007, take a sip, and see what happens.